I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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