I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
