Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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