We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
