your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
