seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
