and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
