I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
