Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
