K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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