you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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