I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize