did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
