He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
