Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
