Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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