my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
