toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish you could order shots online.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
