Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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