i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
