Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
