Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
