Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Randomize
