i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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