I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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