she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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