you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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