you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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