Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
