Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
