i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
