I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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