Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
