someone get that fucking seahorse.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Be still, my beating vagina.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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