roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
