I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
