She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
