My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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