i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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