meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
