Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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