You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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