Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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