Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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