Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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