The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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