I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
