I need to stop coming to work sober
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
