There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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