Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
