I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
