This is not my ceiling
I think I died a long time ago.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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