Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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