i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
