I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
