yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
