oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
