I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You're like the curious george of whores
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
