my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
