I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
