I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
being pregnant is like rehab
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
